Time to seek balance

Regretfully, I am stuck in the same place I was a few months ago...emotionally at least.  I have continued to enjoy my work, my family and my children, but....there is always a 'but' isn't there.  Well, for one, I am trying to shake loose of the Joker, who in turn is trying his hardest to hold on, despite being in another relationship...ugghh. Its my own fault though, because I keep allowing him in. He was my best friend for so long, its hard to let go. I know that sounds pretty corny, but its true.  That doesn't make it right.  I have to let go.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (but really, when am I not doing a lot of thinking?) and I know God is calling.  He has been calling for years. But lately, I feel it stronger.  I desire to fellowship. I desire for my children to fellowship, pray, and grow up in not only his knowledge, but his way of life.  I desire to have balance, and to let go of a man/situation that only brings temporary solace because its comfortable. I don't think God wants me to be with anyone right now. I think He desires for me to work on myself. Build myself up.  Its the only way that I may reach my further goals.  I know God does not want me to be with a person who is only a taker. He doesn't want me to be at the mercy of a deceiver, liar, whore, and womanizer. I KNOW He doesn't want this for me.  I know what I have to do.  I know where I want to go. I desire a true partner to fill that life with (when God deems it right).  I want to be a better mother, my children deserve it, especially taking into consideration the fact that there are others who no longer have their little ones with them!  I need to reach out and appreciate what God has blessed me with, and kindly give the enemy back what he is trying to put in my life.  Blog world, if there is anyone out there, please send some sincere prayers my way for refocus, balance, and deliverance from the drama. Thank you! and God Bless.

The Five Stages of Break up Grief

Denial: I believe I breezed through this stage. Yep, no denying the callously disgusting behavior that took place leading up to the major fallout.  Anytime even the HINT of a fantasy regarding me and this dude tries to emerge, the big black boot of reality stamps down firmly on it.

Anger: I was here for a hot second.  I couldn't stand the thought that this man was still allowed to walk and breathe...really God? You let him live??? After what he did? Well, there is a reason he is an all-loving God now. I guess he's still one of His children. Psshhh.

Bargaining: I think I spent little to no time here. Imagine? That I could really ever convince myself that I was the cause of his constant lying, cheating and general whorish behavior? After all I had done to try to build him up? Puhleeze. The only thing I could have done differently to keep this relationship going was stuck my head in the sand and pretend nothing was going on, lol.

Depression:  I am currently stuck in this mire of guilt, shame and heartache.  Guilt because I am constantly thinking of him, and its affecting my focus. Shame because I still love this bastard. Heartache because it literally fucking hurts my heart as I replay all of our old happy times in my brain, and I know, I KNOW, that that shit was based on lies and that I can NEVER revisit that again. Uggghhh.

Acceptance: Where I wanna be!!! I cannot wait to be floating on the beautiful river of acceptance and to be ready to grab life by the you-know-whats and to be ME again. That person with the happy disposition that was so naive and loving and trusting of the opposite sex, and that would never be scared of going down this road with someone new, and that was hopeful enough to let that happen.  Every now and then I catch glimpses of her, but she is so hard to pin down. Please Lord, help me find her again.

Post-Apocalypse

Hello All!

So I have been feeling much much better since yesterday actually! But I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day, so I did not have time to blog.  Anywho, I think God really spoke to my heart by allowing me to talk to a wonderful man that lives nowhere near me, but who emmitted such kindness, caring, and love that it was almost unbelievable that it came from someone I had just met! We talked for hours and it felt so comfortable. He is hurting too, so he made it clear that he really needs to establish a friendship with someone, and nothing else. Which is great!!! At any rate, this man, we will call him Lansing, lifted my spirits to the rooftops, and made me feel like there are still so many people out there to meet, date or marry. Thank You, Lord, and Thank you, Lansing.  Side note: why did the Joker have to send me a lame text as I spoke with Lansing? It simply said: "Sorry I do the thangs I do". Wtf? All I could write back was, "I am sorry you to them too". With no response of course.  What do you think that after everything a few corny words will change my dislike for you? Ha ha. Stupid men.

On another topic, our beloved family dog passed away yesterday. Caramelo was 91 in dog years, so he lived to a ripe old age, but he will always be missed!!! Since the Joker had met him, I did briefly inform him of his passing with a text that said, "RIP Caramelo :( ". He texted back, saying that he was sorry he had "kicked the bucket".  Then proceeded to turn the situation back to HIMSELF as usual by saying, "Yeah, I died early this week". Bullshit. You also fucked someone else early this week, do you feel bad about that?? I think not.  At any rate, I think I am handling things well with this situation, and it can only go uphill from here!!! THANK YOU  GOD. Peace.

The break up diary.

I think I will write a book called the Break Up Diaries. It will be a compilation of all the craziest breakups out there. I figure might as well make some money off this stupidity.  I feel like shit today.  I will probably feel like this for the next couple of weeks....ughhhh!!!! I want this feeling gone and I am asking God consistently to take it from me. Along with asking God to curse the Joker with a limp dick every time he tries. LOL. I know I'm not in my right mind because I've even considered doing a spell/curse on him, and have visited some sites for ideas. SMH. "A woman scorned" and all that. Today I feel like eating until I can't anymore and then throwing it all up again.  Sorry, its the truth. I'm sure someone out there who has been through this can relate.

On another topic though, why do men always bring up sex too fast when getting to know you. I literally JUST MET this dude two days ago, and he can barely ask how my day was before making all sorts of references to sex. Its ridiculous, and BOOOORRRINNG.  It turned me off to him completely. Another thing: Men, when you are getting to know someone, and its still in the VERY early stages, its probably best not to state that you are "really into porn".  This raises too many red flags for a female, even if you're not a sex addict/freak, and you simply like to partake.  That is more of a conversation for after you have done the deed, I think. Anyway, this obviously is not the guy I will be having a rebound with! LOL.

Well, world (or just me for now), I am sooo glad that I have been able to get a little off my chest, mind and heart. Every little bit helps and is one more step toward complete healing. Cannot wait!!!

Ury

Now that's how you break up with someone!

World, I am on edge today!  This lying piece of shit motherfucker is finally going to be deleted from my life! Yes, I am speaking of the Joker.  The Joker, who for all intents and purposes kept talking to me about committment and marriage even until this past weekend.  Then....duh duh duh! It wen DOWN.  I found a message from a person telling him they loved him and whatnot. I called this person and broke it down who I am.  She acted hard but I know she felt dumb.  Well, all I have to say, is I'm sorry boo that you have to find out this way, at least mine wasn't as bad.  But he is a trifling low-down dirty person.  I then called him (and he didn't answer of course) and then went the fuck off on his message as well as laid it down on the text. I don't know if he truly cares about what I said or is just irritated because the girl who makes the most money is gone from his life but oh well. You didn't have to bring my children into it and call them "puppies" though. One day you will pay for this.  I will not make you pay, I've done my part. But God will.  My last step in this breakup process is to go throw all of his stuff on the street in front of Walmart, where he and this "lady" work.  Too much??? I think not.

Ury

hello Monday....

Wow, kinda feel a little fucked up today. Not the usual fucked-upness but feeling a bit under the weather. And mad at myself for again letting the Joker in...more on that later.  Love my new job, hate the new germs that come with it! I felt like a total zombie yesterday and had poor sleep last night because of this cooooollldd that wants to take hostage of my immune system. 

At work, kiddos are brain dead.  Really, two days and y'all already forgot the effin letter B???? Forgive me, but parentals are definitely at fault!!!  Oh, well. How mad can one really get at some little kindergartners. 

The Joker and I are frenemies. I love/hate him.  He ACTS as though I am his one and only, but he makes a point to say that he "sometimes feels he can't get to the next level" with me, and can't do,  as he put it "the hole 24/7 under your wing thing". Hmmmmm.  He wishes he was "under my wing" at all, let alone around me THAT much. In so many misspelled words, I think he was conveying his inability to settle down.

Well, as much as I enjoy his company and comraderie, I think the only way to really break free from his emotional stronghold is to find another (ha ha ha). So I have made the decision to date. I joined Eharmony today (again) and actually made an effort! Put a pic up and everything (LOL). On the questionnaire where it asks how for away would you be willing to go for your life-long love (corny) I put the WHOLE USA. Thats pretty fuckin sad when you have to look in an entire country for a match. But oh well. C'est la vie.  At least I am trying, because it sure is slim pickins for my type up here in the northwest. You know, I'm just looking for a hardworking, honest dude who likes kids who doesn't mind an equally hardworking, loyal, and attractive *wink wink* woman (even with kids) who handles her business.

Well, other than that, life is good, God is awesome, and I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff as well as remember that it is ALL small. Peace.

What am I doing???

Hello everyone (or just me, lol),

So I am trying my hardest to stop loving this person, to stop dealing with them. We will call him the Joker. He is soooo unhealthy for me especially because he lacks commitment and has proved himself to be a liar.  However, how do I detach from someone who was a genuinely good friend to me before we dated (which, of course, HE insisted we do! lol). I miss his friendship. He is a bad boyfriend though.  Sometimes I think I deal with him because he exemplifies instability, which is what my ex (we will call him Uncle Bill) forced upon me throughout our 8 year common-law marriage, and thus I am used to this.  I read somewhere that you can get used to anything. Even torture.  Who wants to be used to torture though???  Deep down I desperately want to get un-used to him, and to leave him the hell alone.

I know I put on the front of being this strong, independent woman and mother, but when everyone is gone, I sometimes just sit and second-guess myself, and my fears come out. And there are a ton of them.  Like if I stop dealing with the Joker, will ANYONE my age (31) want to be with a mommy of four kids?  I get hit on all the time, but once they hear about my brood they run for the hills. And its a shame too, because my bambinos are AWESOME, and I take care of them completely, and I am not expecting anyone else to do so. Most of the time I am okay with this, but sometimes it catches up to me. Like now. I am crying as I write this, feeling sorry for myself and for the fact that I made soooo many mistakes with uncle bill....and I am so closed off emotionally because I don't want to repeat them. 

Will there be someone with enough love for me that it spills over to my kids?  Will I never get married??? These things plague me. I am okay with being the only breadwinner, with having to work and do all day long, with being harebrained and exhausted half my life, with finding time to reach the personal goals that I have on top of being a mom and employee. But I have to be honest. I love partnership. And I need help.  All I can say is Please God, send me the person that is going to be the most helpful, honest, and loving, PLEASE send me my helpmate--ASAP! lol.  And to anyone out there reading, please pray!!!! Thanks so much. ttyl.

Ury