What am I doing???

Hello everyone (or just me, lol),

So I am trying my hardest to stop loving this person, to stop dealing with them. We will call him the Joker. He is soooo unhealthy for me especially because he lacks commitment and has proved himself to be a liar.  However, how do I detach from someone who was a genuinely good friend to me before we dated (which, of course, HE insisted we do! lol). I miss his friendship. He is a bad boyfriend though.  Sometimes I think I deal with him because he exemplifies instability, which is what my ex (we will call him Uncle Bill) forced upon me throughout our 8 year common-law marriage, and thus I am used to this.  I read somewhere that you can get used to anything. Even torture.  Who wants to be used to torture though???  Deep down I desperately want to get un-used to him, and to leave him the hell alone.

I know I put on the front of being this strong, independent woman and mother, but when everyone is gone, I sometimes just sit and second-guess myself, and my fears come out. And there are a ton of them.  Like if I stop dealing with the Joker, will ANYONE my age (31) want to be with a mommy of four kids?  I get hit on all the time, but once they hear about my brood they run for the hills. And its a shame too, because my bambinos are AWESOME, and I take care of them completely, and I am not expecting anyone else to do so. Most of the time I am okay with this, but sometimes it catches up to me. Like now. I am crying as I write this, feeling sorry for myself and for the fact that I made soooo many mistakes with uncle bill....and I am so closed off emotionally because I don't want to repeat them. 

Will there be someone with enough love for me that it spills over to my kids?  Will I never get married??? These things plague me. I am okay with being the only breadwinner, with having to work and do all day long, with being harebrained and exhausted half my life, with finding time to reach the personal goals that I have on top of being a mom and employee. But I have to be honest. I love partnership. And I need help.  All I can say is Please God, send me the person that is going to be the most helpful, honest, and loving, PLEASE send me my helpmate--ASAP! lol.  And to anyone out there reading, please pray!!!! Thanks so much. ttyl.

Ury